Holy shit, it’s almost Christmas! Which means in between trying to act sober at your boyfriends Christmas party and trying to choose the best chocolate in the Quality Street tin, so you can avoid the very real disappointment of biting into a nasty fruit flavoured one by accident, you have probably forgotten about a gift or two…or thirteen. Because we all know that Christmas really isn’t about the birth of sweet baby Jesus or goodwill to all wo/men, it’s about presents! And if there is anything that Oprah has taught me from her 25 years on television it’s that giving copious amounts of useless shit to people is what truly makes them happy. Screw therapy and being your best self, give me your favourite things!
We’ve compiled a list of a few of our favourite gifts in case you are stumped on what to buy your jerk of a mother-in-law (may we suggest nothing?), or your picky boyfriend. There is something for everyone here so don’t say we never do nothing for ya.
This is a gift for that person who has it all. We guarantee that they don’t have this sexy pen. And that’s what people who have it all deserve for Christmas anyways, a pen. Assholes.
Incense isnt’ just for hippies anymore. Ok it hasn’t been for a while now. But this incense burner further proves that point with its sleek design and brass details. This is the perfect alternative to all of those crappy scented candles you were going to buy Mom this year.
Do you have a split personality in your life that is making it difficult to buy for? Look no further than this half gold, half speckled bangle. Sure to appeal to all of the Norman Bates characters this holiday season.
This is a great gift for your “cool” little brother who is currently living in Portland while pursuing a career as a vegan barista at a cat café. The next time he calls you up to shame you for living in an oil hungry city devoid of any soul or culture you can tell that little brat to check his mailbox, assuming he has one, and open the pages of Uppercase. This Calgary based magazine is pretty damn hip. Look who’s the cool sibling now?
Picked that stinky co-worker for Secret Santa that has decided showering is a 21st century invention designed to support consumerism and ruin the planet? Leave this bar of soap on their desk and they can feel easy about lathering up with this natural and sustainable soap. While you can feel easy about breathing through your nose around them.
This is a random one that really works for the age range of 0-infinity. Who doesn’t love a baby? Especially one that doesn’t cry or shit and always smells good. The only people we don’t think would appreciate this gift would be men in their 50’s and 60’s who don’t want to be reminded of their tanking virility. Otherwise this gift is an all around crowd pleaser.
Here is the perfect gift for that special somebody in your life that makes more sexy eyes at their phone then at you. Now when they are ignoring you on dates and are glued to their phone you can be comforted knowing that they are always holding a little piece of you in their sweaty palms. Expect a “Thank You” text for this gift. #Blessed.
We’ve all had that picky designer friend who hates everything you get them because they have something called “taste”, while the rest of us schmuks stumble around blindly trying to figure out if marble coasters are still a thing. Well now you can get them these playing cards, where the suits have been replaced by the standard colour model used in printing, and the numbers are replaced with the percentage of ink on the surface of the card. If that isn’t designey then we don’t know what is! And if they still don’t like your gift then you can keep the cards for yourself and stop inviting them to poker night.
You may want to get this gift for your friends that need to be coerced into drinking through the use of games. But if that’s the case you may also want to consider getting new friends.
Happy Gift Hunting!
-KB, SS + JB